For those that don’t have a lot of time or just aren’t the biggest readers in the world; this column is going to be right up your alley. The fourth installment in the Terminator franchise opened yesterday and I could write a really kick ass column all about that, but I didn’t. Nope, I chose to write about something a bit more prominent and about a movie that is hitting theatres today and is the bane of all existence.
Ladies and gentlemen. Boys and girls. Children of all ages. It is due time I opened all f your eyes to the problem with society today. Hunger is not the most pressing issue when looking at current America. Sure the ever-growing homeless population is a horrible thing that needs to be resolved, but it’s still not on top of the list. Unemployment is growing every single day during this God awful recession that almost ruined the United States as we know it. All over the world there are unforgivable crimes being committed including abuse, burglary, and even murder…but still we have a much more serious problem that needs to be addressed.
How can we get rid of the Wayans family and all those that try to imitate them?
Shawn, Keenan Ivory, Damien and other members of this horrendous family started something with the sunuva bitchin’ mock movies that take a wide range of other films and make fun of them. Let me be the first (doubt it) to tell you that none of these damn movies are funny. There is nothing remotely funny about any of them and you’re talking to someone that loves some of the stupidest films in all of creation. I laugh at farts and dirty talk and shit jokes and stupid humor and people poking fun at retards or blind people or deaf people. Yeah it may sound mean, but everyone I just mentioned and then some probably watch these horrid films that poke fun at THEM directly.
Essentially I’m trying to get across the point that I find low-brown humor extremely funny and will usually laugh at anything you put in front of me. But these mock movies are just useless and pointless and extremely…UNfunny.
The jokes are lame.
The pranks are stupid.
The guest stars are idiotic.
The filthy humor isn’t really that over the top.
The copy cat bullshit is not creative.
Those that appear in these movies (term loosely used) are completely and utterly talentless. There is a reason you jackasses are in movies making fun of good movies because you couldn’t possibly make it in something legit.
Mock movies had found there way into theatres and onto home theatre systems before, but never to this extreme or even remotely this bad. But let us touch on the beginning of this horrendous and poor example of filmmaking and all that has stemmed from it.
This is sort of where things began with a film that poked fun at Scream. It took a much lighter approach at the seriousness of the teenaged horror movie and decided to make it funny and humorous. I’m going to give the slightest bit of credit here because it had a moment here and there when I did let out a chuckle. Every now and then there would be a pretty funny joke or amusing prop that would make me give a slight laugh. But the attractiveness of the film wore off quickly and after maybe two viewings of it; I was done for life.
Then would come three more movies in this series and they are horrible and dumb and so incredibly stupid that it is amazing any time was spent on them whatsoever. Against my better judgment and will; I happened to see Scary Movie 4 in theatres. Oh forgive me and let me correct that…I went to the theatre to watch Scary Movie 4, but only saw about 20 minutes of it before I fell asleep. Yep, dozed my ass right off to sleep and enjoyed a very nice nap because I was bored out of my skull.
Let’s make fun of horror movies…hur hur…let’s put Shaq and Dr. Phil in the Saw bathroom…har-de-har-har…make one of the Wayans’ brothers overly gay…hyuk hyuk.
Oh God, just die already.
This “movie” pokes fun at Armageddon, Indiana Jones, Hancock, Speed Racer, Kung Fu Panda, and others. It’s not good or funny.
This “movie” pokes fun at Can’t Hardly Wait, Karate Kid, Sixteen Candles, Bring It On, Better Off Dead, and others. It’s not good or funny.
This “movie” pokes fun at Sweet Home Alabama, The Lord Of The Rings, What Women Want, Kill Bill, and others. It’s not good or funny.
This “movie” pokes fun at Spider-Man, Fantastic Four, Batman, X-Men, and others. It’s not good or funny.
This “movie” pokes fun at Save The Last Dance, Hairspray, and other crap I’m not even sure about. It won’t be good or funny.
Folks, there are others in this mock movies or parody film collection that aren’t discussed here and they include things like The Comebacks, Epic Movie, Meet The Spartans, and others. But I can only talk about these pieces of shit so much and even the little bit I’ve put into this column has made me nauseated.
You see, Terminator Salvation opened up in theatres yesterday and I could have looked at that franchise which would have thrilled me beyond all belief. They are all pretty awesome movies and deserve to be dissected and discussed to get the full appreciation for the sheer coolness they’ve brought to the action genre. But no, I decided to touch on another subject because I need the help of everyone out there.
All of you have GOT to stop going to see these incredibly moronic movies. You have all GOT to stop buying the DVDs and Blu-rays. If they make no money off of this shit then they will stop making them. I mean for the love of Christ, they’re already lapping over and making fun of some of the same movies in different genres. Lord Of The Rings appears in like three of these mock movies and it doesn’t even fit in with the category at hand in the titles. They have run out of ideas (not that they ever had any) and have nothing else to go on. There is one reason and one reason only that these abominations are still being made and that’s because yall are funding them.
Ok two reasons…the Wayans are all worthless and should be shot for starting this crap. Seriously name something of merit the family has done since In Living Color, I’m Gonna Git U Sucka, and The Last Boy Scout. Can’t can you? And if you try…you’re just lying to yourself.
LIAR!
Last 5 posts by Danny Cox
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My friend, you are not alone on this rant. I’ve only seen the trailers to these shit flicks, those alone are so bad they make me wanna strap C4 to my chest, get the Wayans family and the mindless hacks that have “earned careers” out of these movies (I am using the quoted statement loosely as possible), and make a sacrifice to all that is good in movies.
All of these lame ass parody movies have the shelf life of fruit. It pokes fun at pop culture references that will be outdated within a year or two. Maybe even less. If these dipshits really gave a fuck about making a quality movie and not go for a paycheck, they would learn from the masters. I am talking about guys like Mel Brooks (Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, The Producers) and the Zuckers (Airplane!, Hot Shots). Their movies had a plot (which is very important for a movie), a theme (I.E. Blazing Saddles mocked the race card and the old west in one stroke), and jokes that still work to this day. For me, Gene Wilder and the late Peter Boyle doing their rendition of Puttin’ on the Ritz (Young Frankenstein) still gets me laughing. Hell, Mrs. Cleaver speaking in jive (Airplane) is a classic moment. These movies last much longer than their weaker counterparts of today because the people behind it CARED about these movies.
So please, future film goers and film makers of America. Take this lesson to heart. If you are going to make a comedy, learn from the past and do not go into it just for the money. We’ve got too much shit on the DVD racks as it is. The only way movies like Disaster Movie or Meet the Spartans are gonna fly off the shelves is if a tornado hits a Wal-Mart. Time to take a stand and say NO to shitty parodies once and for all.
Mr. Q
why do you care if other people watch these movies? Nobody forces you to watch them. Nice try to be elitist
Hey Danny, did you read my last comment on your Book to Movie column? If not, this one is kind of spooky coincidental.
The one good Wayans Bros. movie is Don’t Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood. The title told you exactly what movie’s it was spoofing. While I agree that the rest of these films should never have existed, they least they could have done is tried for remotely clever titles like this one.
I just wish I believed in hell so I could take comfort in the fact that there is a very special place for all the film makes involved in these “movies” there.
[...] from last week. Remember that one? If not, let me refresh your memory with an ever helpful link: Making Movie History: STOP…FUNDING…CRAP. All caught up now? [...]
[...] like the God awful mock movies that I did a column about back in May…see what I’m talking about?…there are some directors/writers that I can’t stand. It’s not to say that I hate [...]
OK, you either like their movies or you don’t. I for one love most every movie they’ve done, tho I’ve not seen all these. They are amazing actors, with a gifted sence of humor. You either get them and think it’s hilarious… or you don’t. But no need to critize them or their work simply because you don’t think it’s funny entertainment.