Just when you thought it was safe to take off that turtleneck sweater and put away your garlic, Twilight, Stephanie Meyer’s blockbuster series of novels for young adults, has taken the nation’s tweens by storm.

This month, the book series turned movie blockbuster continues its reign across a multimedia battleground with the release of New Moon, the second film in the Twilight franchise.

The films stars Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson as two teenaged lovers torn apart by the fact that one of them is really a distant relative of Count Chocula.

While Twilight might have a legion of screaming teenaged girls behind it, it is not the only choice when it comes to teenage vampire films.

Last year’s Let the Right One In, a Swedish film based on the novel of the same name, may not have a cast of unreasonably beautiful people acting in it or a trendy soundtrack populated with even trendier musical acts, but the tender story about a 12-year-old boy’s relationship with a vampire girl still manages to have more heart and soul then the last ten years’ worth of vampire movies combined.

Both Twilight and Let the Right One In are warning signs, though, to a larger danger.

There seems to be a problem among today’s youth in detecting vampires in their midst. With Buffy the Vampire Slayer having been off the air for over five years now, who are our children turning to for advice in spotting bloodsuckers?

It seems it is my civic duty to provide a list of warning signs that will help prevent a little necking at Make Out Point from becoming a fang-ful memory.

• Does your boyfriend have an obsessive love for counting; marking each number with a crazed laugh of “ah, ah, ah, ah, ah”? He may be a vampire — or a math teacher. Either way, you should get out of that relationship.
• Did your loved one suddenly go from speaking in a country twang to talking in a stereotypical Romanian accent? Have they developed a new wardrobe consisting of medallions, capes and silver-tipped canes? Unless they are auditioning for the role of an eastern European pimp, they have become the undead and should be dumped.
• Does your girlfriend flinch whenever you mention blowing your paycheck on steaks at the grocery store? Does she shy away from giving you a smooch after you’ve just wolfed down a double-order of garlic breadsticks? Does she become agitated and embarrassed when you insist on doing your Bela Lugosi impersonation at parties? If the answers are yes, you may very well be dating a bloodsucking harpy from hell — or a vampire.
• Have you spotted a mysterious doctor peaking over his menu at you and your significant other during your dinner date? While walking past his table to use the restroom, did you spot him carving a point onto a wooden stick? When dancing with your date, did the doctor try to cut in — only to trip over his feet, fall towards your date, stab them with a wooden stake and cause them to spontaneously combust into a cloud of dust? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you could have very well been on a date with a vampire.
• Does your boyfriend take coffin’ drops? Drink decoffinated coffee? Live in a Bat-chelor pad? Invite you to meet his parents during Fangsgiving break? Own a bloodhound? Play Casketball? You may have a grave problem.

But seriously, kids today have a lot at stake when choosing a potential date. By relying too much on a steady diet of emotastic vampire teen flicks, kids today are setting themselves up to a future filled with neck puncture wounds and broken hearts.

Instead of learning the art of love from Twilight, it’s time for today’s youth to turn back to the one time-tested method to boning up on all matters of love: romantic comedies.

If romantic comedies have taught America anything, it’s that with the right amount of perseverance and patience, one’s true love is always just around the corner — and probably in the shape of a hooker with a heart of gold.

“Say Anything…”, perhaps one of the greatest romantic comedies ever bestowed upon mankind, is currently celebrating its twentieth anniversary.

In the film, John Cusack stars as Lloyd Dobler, a recent high school graduate who finds himself in love with Diane Court (Ione Skye).

Like any great work of fiction, there’s much truth to be gleaned from “Say Anything …”

For the convenience of my lovelorn readers, an in-depth study of the film has been conducted and four essential life lessons have been gleamed.

4.) Kickboxing is the sport of the future

Throughout the film, Lloyd Dobler is constantly hyping the then up-and-coming sport of “kickboxing.” Filmed in 1989, “Say Anything …” succeeded where “Teen Wolf Too” failed in making kickboxing look cool. After watching the film, I was instantly motivated to go to the closest gym and train to be a kickboxer. Then I remembered that learning a sport is hard — especially one in which I would be kicking people in the face. Instead, I’m now preparing to enter the competitive world of Paper, Rock, Scissors. Hopefully my second choice sport will turn out to be just as potent a chick magnet.

3.) Crime never pays

In a plot device Shakespeare would be proud of, Diane’s doddering father (Frasier’s John Mahoney) thwarts his daughter’s attempts at a relationship with Lloyd. Although Diane’s father only had the best intentions for his daughter, in the end it didn’t matter because it’s revealed he was a lying criminal who stole from the elderly. Any good intentions parents may have can be instantly dismissed when their closet contains a few skeletons. For anybody who’s attempts to date are hampered by their love’s folks, don’t be afraid to do a little background snooping. With the right investigative work, any in-law can be effectively and safely contained behind bars. There will be plenty of time to win them over during visiting hours.

2.) Use your imagination

When her father’s disapproval becomes more than Diane can bear, she breaks down and dumps Lloyd. In an effort to give Lloyd a romantic gift that will leave him with a good impression of her, Diane presents him with a pen. A pen! Her justification? So Lloyd can write her. Now that, my friends, is some creative thinking right there. Instead of spending a ton of money in order to leave a solid lasting impression, all one has to do is present unwanted lovers with a household object — so long as you can justify its significance. I once gave a girl an egg for Valentine’s Day. I said it was so she could make me breakfast. All I got was a slap. I don’t know why — I meant for it to be a sexy egg.

1.) Music tamed the savage breast

After being dumped, Lloyd goes from denial to anger to sorrow faster then a bi-polar hummingbird. Eventually Lloyd resorts to the one sure-fire way of winning back a true love’s heart: Peter Gabriel. Standing outside her window, Lloyd holds up his boom box and blares Gabriel for the entire world to hear. Diane, not able to resist the power of the Pete, breaks down her icy exterior and succumbs to Lloyd’s charm and wit. Once, during college, I tried to utilize the patented “boom box under the window” method myself. I stood outside a dorm window and after a few minutes of blaring the equally powerful ballads of Bryan Adams, I realized I was at the wrong dorm. It turns out I won the heart of Jimbo, one of Texas A&M’s Corps of Cadets freshmen. I had to politely decline his advances so I gave him a pen. So that he could write.

So, as you can see, there are lessons in love to be gleamed from every type of film — from the glittery vampire melodrama to the twenty-year-old Cameron Crowe-flavored melodrama. I guess, what I’m trying to say, is that the world needs more melodramatic films.

When not being wooed by vampire hookers with hearts of gold, Robert Saucedo is an occasional freelance writer whose work appears regularly in The Bryan/College Station Eagle, Dryvetyme Online and out of the mouths of babes. Visit him on the web at The Carrying On of a Wayward Son.